I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
