If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
