someone threw a dead crab at me
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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