i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
