Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize