I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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