How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
