Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
