we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
