There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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