dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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