I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
