the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
