Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
