My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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