I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
