So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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