You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
