Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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