He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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