My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
