I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
