i think my tv is drunk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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