I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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