Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
