I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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