don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize