so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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