One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
