my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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