Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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