I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dear god my vagina.
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