last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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