I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
