I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
