We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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