i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
