I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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