woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
