dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Non-Jews are for practice
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
