Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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