eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
