Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think I just sharted jello shots
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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