babies were throwing up all over the place
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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