i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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