these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
