i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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