fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
