I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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