If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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