I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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