ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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