I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
