3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
