I accidentally burped into my bong.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
