Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
