got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
two words: eviction party
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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