So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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