she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
