I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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