Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
