so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
