I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
