Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I will pee on everything he values.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
