Pants 0. Shit 1.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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