Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
