She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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